Alienated. Overworked. Stressed. Alone.

Today I was thinking. About my family. About my friends. About me. I am much different from them all. At times it is nice to be unique, but other times I cannot help but feel so out of the loop and alone. I will wonder why I have to be and think so much different from everyone else who surrounds me in my life. Sometimes, I feel as if I am three steps behind everybody and no matter how hard I try, I cannot catch up.


My style of clothes, choice of music, opinions on subjects.. everything. It's all different. Leaving me alone and alienated from everyone else I know. To me, it's something amazing and horrible to differ so greatly from people who surround you.


Don't get me wrong: I am an introvert. I like to be alone. Often. I invite loneliness, it blends well with my at-times dark personality. But sometimes being lonely for too long is saddening. And I have reached my limit.


I don't show my emotions. I put up this front that I am strong and independent, which I am, but sometimes I break too. I have had a mental break down before. I am NOT crazy. Just very stressed with a lot of responsibility put on me than what a normal 17 year old should have. ... There was a yellow envelope hanging on the front doorknob of my house once. My friends thought it was something cool like a note for me or my mom when they dropped me off. My stomach dropped as soon as I saw it--seeing it so many times before, I knew exactly what it was. Silly girls. It's a disconnection notice for our power. $400+ due, including the back bills of missed months, within the next 3 hours or the power is disconnected. No heat with it being 20 degrees out. Those were very long nights. How can you share stuff like that with your friends. It's humiliating, especially when that's just a small bit of what my family actually goes through.


Things like that also alienate me from the rest of my family, not just my friends. My family is very conservative and has quite a bit of money, except my mom who got pregnant with me before she went to college and my aunt's family who has 3 kids. Two of which are potheads and the eldest just had a baby with his girlfriend at the age of 20. I see a mistake repeating itself, though every child is a blessing. But the rest of my family is off living in huge brick homes in private divisions of the best parts of cities. That's why I just choose to separate myself from them at times to just hideaway in my room with my laptop in attempt to write and write and write all my problems away..


At school I am accused of being spoiled. If they only knew. Everything I have got, I have worked for on my own. 39 hours a week at work, plus college course classes in high school, plus extracurricular activities outside of school isn't easy to pull off, you know. Know someone before you judge them. I am far from spoiled.


I think this post's purpose was just for me to write what I am feeling at the moment. I am a young confused individual. I am a teenager who never go to be a kid. I am a teenager who has not really gotten the chance to be a teenager either. I had to grow up too fast and take on responsibilities. It's made me the person I am today, but just once.. I want to be a care-free teenager. I want to be a little girl again who innocently believed in everything and knew absolutely nothing about anything. </3.

...Lonely Girl.