Today I was thinking. About my family. About my friends. About me. I am much different from them all. At times it is nice to be unique, but other times I cannot help but feel so out of the loop and alone. I will wonder why I have to be and think so much different from everyone else who surrounds me in my life. Sometimes, I feel as if I am three steps behind everybody and no matter how hard I try, I cannot catch up.
My style of clothes, choice of music, opinions on subjects.. everything. It's all different. Leaving me alone and alienated from everyone else I know. To me, it's something amazing and horrible to differ so greatly from people who surround you.
Don't get me wrong: I am an introvert. I like to be alone. Often. I invite loneliness, it blends well with my at-times dark personality. But sometimes being lonely for too long is saddening. And I have reached my limit.
I don't show my emotions. I put up this front that I am strong and independent, which I am, but sometimes I break too. I have had a mental break down before. I am NOT crazy. Just very stressed with a lot of responsibility put on me than what a normal 17 year old should have. ... There was a yellow envelope hanging on the front doorknob of my house once. My friends thought it was something cool like a note for me or my mom when they dropped me off. My stomach dropped as soon as I saw it--seeing it so many times before, I knew exactly what it was. Silly girls. It's a disconnection notice for our power. $400+ due, including the back bills of missed months, within the next 3 hours or the power is disconnected. No heat with it being 20 degrees out. Those were very long nights. How can you share stuff like that with your friends. It's humiliating, especially when that's just a small bit of what my family actually goes through.
Things like that also alienate me from the rest of my family, not just my friends. My family is very conservative and has quite a bit of money, except my mom who got pregnant with me before she went to college and my aunt's family who has 3 kids. Two of which are potheads and the eldest just had a baby with his girlfriend at the age of 20. I see a mistake repeating itself, though every child is a blessing. But the rest of my family is off living in huge brick homes in private divisions of the best parts of cities. That's why I just choose to separate myself from them at times to just hideaway in my room with my laptop in attempt to write and write and write all my problems away..
At school I am accused of being spoiled. If they only knew. Everything I have got, I have worked for on my own. 39 hours a week at work, plus college course classes in high school, plus extracurricular activities outside of school isn't easy to pull off, you know. Know someone before you judge them. I am far from spoiled.
I think this post's purpose was just for me to write what I am feeling at the moment. I am a young confused individual. I am a teenager who never go to be a kid. I am a teenager who has not really gotten the chance to be a teenager either. I had to grow up too fast and take on responsibilities. It's made me the person I am today, but just once.. I want to be a care-free teenager. I want to be a little girl again who innocently believed in everything and knew absolutely nothing about anything. </3.
...Lonely Girl.
As 2010 winds to an end, we are all thinking about what 2011 will bring us. People are making resolutions, and getting ready to file for income taxes. ha. Sure; for me, I would like to finish the story I am currently working on. It consists of 107 pages so far, I would say that's a good start, but my schedule is extremely busy. I would also like to not fight with my family all the time. Those are my goals. Oh, so great, right?.. :P
But mainly what I am looking forward to in 2011 is the end of Junior year and the beginning of Senior year (: I am getting the hell out of this town and away from my family for a while once I graduate. I am soo excited and looking forward to college.
Well now that I have written nonsense of random things, have a lovely new year. Maybe your resolutions are much more exciting or thrilling than mine ;)
Until Next Time,
Lonely Girl,
I could honestly care less whether or not I get gifts during Christmas. Christmas is not truly about giving and receiving gifts anyway. But this year, there is probably three gifts under the tree with my name scribbled across the top of it, and that's how many there will be tomorrow morning when we all wake up on christmas day
My best friend and I had a gift exchange last night; she had gotten me two smaller things I had really wanted. That is enough for me, plus knowing tomorrow I will have christmas at my grandmother's home where all the grandchildren will get numerous amounts of gifts. So it's not the gifts that bother me--it is my dad. My dad is a dead-beat who goes in and out of jail for not paying child support. He only comes around to visit us when it is convenient or benefits him. I can be a hateful person towards people. At times I feel bad afterward because I was just upset in the moment, but for him.. I honestly can say I hate him. I want nothing to do with him ever.
My mom will sit there and cry and cry and say she is sorry to me and my brother over and over because she can't afford to get us all these fancy things other kids get, or that she can't guarantee that the power will be on two months from now. She said she never regrets having us, but she regrets falling in love with my dad thinking that he would change and screwing us all over in the end. After he has done this to my family, he still wants to see me and talk to me and hang out with me. Not my brother as much(when we were younger, he said my brother wasn't even his kid. 1. My mother is not a slut who sleeps around. 2. He signed the birth certificate. 3. The paternity test proved that my brother was in fact his biological son. God, he is such a dick) That's the only reason I bring up the small amount of gifts--because my mother feels so guilty about it and believes she is a bad mother at times for things like these and it kills me to watch her cry over it. Especially because she couldn't get me anything for my 16th or 17th birthday.. she wanted to make it up to me this christmas but a rent situation came up and now she cannot spend any money on anything.
....
Each year gets harder. Each year gets a little bit worse. During christmas time, it becomes a little less merrier each year..
But I am appreciative that my family is safe, that at this time we have a house to live in, that though our car is falling apart it still gets my mother back and forth to work, that we are healthy, that we can actually be together this christmas unlike so many other families, that at least each of us has at least something to unwrap tomorrow morning. ...Merry Christmas to me.
I'm not exactly sure what this actual post was really focused on.. it might have been a mini venting session or just a way to release what I am feeling right now. I'm sot sure. But I hope all of you have a lovely and safe holiday.
Until Next Time,
Lonely Girl.
So tomorrow is my first day of exams. My AP English exam is really the only one I am dreading, I'm so afraid of receiving a horrid grade on it. There is soooo much to know and memorize and my weekend was packed with everything you can think of ...except studying for exams. So, it is now 12:31am and I am sitting here at my desk shuffling through note cards with big important words on one side and complex, drawn out definitions on the back. Gotta love Advanced Placement college course classes in high school.. heh :P
I only have on exam to take on Tuesday, which is Spanish III. That'll be 'a piece of cake' as some say. But yes, the spanish final frightens me in no way, pshh. After that, I am free to go home at 11am and not come back to school until January 3rd, 2011! I am sooooo done with school at the moment. I am dying for these exams days to fly by.
Oh on a side note, if any of you live where it snows: be careful. I slid into the intersection the other day on my way to work as I tried to stop at a stop sign. There was another car coming towards me who had to slam on their breaks.. it was not a fun situation. My hands were shaking and it was just bad. ha. My best friend also went into the ditch that same day! Drive with caution :D That's my tip of the day!
Well, Until Next Time,
-Lonely Girl.
Empty. This word, so small, but it's effect is so powerful. At times I feel so empty and alone that it is almost crippling. I am surrounded by friends and family and things I love, but I cannot help but feel completely and absolutely alone in this world.
I have really been thinking about this lately. I fall into these depression episodes and just sit in my room all alone, listening to my iPod--my playlist filled with sad/depressing songs blaring through my headphones. I could be in these moods for days at a time for no reason. I cut myself off from any outside contact except for maybe my most best friend.
This is just part of my personality: I would like to think of it in that way.. but it is weird and I can't help but think, "What's wrong with me?" Why do I have to be so weird and different at times..?
I hear all the time: Cutters are weak. ..At times I feel weak and want to succumb to the thoughts urging me to do so... but am I really weak?
Until Next Time,
-Lonely Girl.
Happy Birthday to me today:]
This isn't really an actual post. I'm just here to write for a few minutes about my plans today. My best friend and I are going to the movies today to see Unstoppable, I hear it's really good. After that we're going out to eat then my other friend has organized a big party at her house for me once she gets back into town around 6ish. Woo! Fun fun night I'm looking forward to.
Hope you all have a lovely day.
Until Next Tim,
-LG.
The other day while I was at work, I'm not sure if it was Tuesday or Wednesday, one of my friends and I were standing around talking.(Actually doing your job while at work is overrated xD) But boredom had taken over and neither of us were in that great of moods; I had had a terrible week previously, as did I this week.So our topics of discussion were slightly twisted in a crazy/sick kind of way--Sadistic. Heh. Whatever. Like one of my co-workers/friends and I talked about how we always hope that our manager will get hit by a buss and die, and that we will laugh if it would ever happen. ..Don't get this terrible idea of me though. I'm not really sadistic or that horrible. The manager is just t h a t mean. She's a total bitch.
But anyways, back to the first friend. We got into the topic of suicide. She asked me if I had ever thought about actually committing suicide before. That is a serious question that I had to actually think about. Im sure everyone has at least wondered what it would be like if they would just disappear. 'Cause you know, we all have those depressing times in our lives, right? But to actually commit suicide.. that's something big.
I thought about it and decided that there had been times where I thought about doing it, but then the next day I would go to church and get preached to. I would feel bad about even considering the idea in the first place because I do believe in God and I believe Jesus Christ is my savior. And you know, I don't want to go to hell, heh. I just have some really bad depression ruts that I fall into often.
Don't get me wrong though, besides not working and talking about suicide, we actually do other things at work. An example would be: Harass the new workers, haha. jk... :P Nah.. we do screw around quite a bit though. My work friends are so different from my normal 'circle of friends' at school and who I have grown up with. I love them muy muchas♥(:!
This post was slightly pointless, but I thought I would share it since I haven't posted anything in a few days anyways. ..
Oh.. Anyone with suicidal problems, or self injury, or addiction look up To Write Love On Her Arms,I love it so much. It's a great organization to present hope for people with those problems. I have a bracelet that says To Write Love On Her Arms. I wear it e v e r y d a y. Of course, I bought it from HOT TOPIC:D And I'm pretty sure tomorrow is National 'Write Love On Her Arms' day.So don't forget to write 'Love' on your arm(s) tomorrow in support of anyone you know who is suicidal, a cutter, has a drug addiction, an alcoholic,or uses/does any other self-injury tactic. Do it for yourself.
Until Next Time,
-Lonely Girl.
I spent the night with my best friend yesterday :) we stayed up until 4ish in the morning making Puppy Chow. [If you have never had it, you are seriously deprived.] Make it some time ;) But after staying up so late, we had to get up early for church. yaaaay. I think I just might die from sleep deprivation--My God :\ ..
Buut today we're going Laser Tagging :DD I'm not into that kind of thing much, but it's an escape from my home and I'll be with my friends, so what the hell? Ha. Right now we're at McDonald's using the internet and drinking Hi-C Orange while waiting for it to be 3pm. It is relaxing, not having to care about anything at the moment. My mind keeps reminding me there is school tomorrow. ..Awesome. I'm a Junior. After this, I'll have one more year to go. I've made it this far, I can keep going, heh.
It's quite chilly out today. The atmosphere all around makes me want to have a typical 'Lazy Sunday' and curl up in my bed with my down comforter and watch movies with a cup of hot mocha and my weimaraner lying next to me. Mmm; Lovely idea if I said so myself.
Until next time,
-Lonely Girl.
I live with my mom. She's a single mother and I have a younger brother. Life tends to be challenging, but we try our best to pull through as much as we can. My name will go unknown. Here is where I want to be able to escape from whatever and say anything I feel without being criticized because no one on here knows me. At least they won't know whether they do or not. The beauty of an anonymous identity.
You can just call me Lonely Girl or LG. I go with either.
I am an aspiring writer. I plan to major in Writing and minor in English. My absolute dream is to become a New York Times' Bestselling Author ..heh. We'll see how that dream pans out over the next few years. I haven't even graduated high school yet. I have written various poems and short stories. I also have roughly around 5 novels I'm working on at the moment. I have random sticky notes with different story lines and plots, character names, alternate endings, and quotes written all over them. it's insanity. I love it.
Music. I cannot live without it. I take my iPod e v e r y w h e r e with me.♥. There are 2,500+ songs on my iPod. New additions are added very often. At times I'll go on a all out 'new music spree' and add 60-70+ songs in one night. It's slightly pathetic. It's me<3(:
My closest best friend is the most amazing girl in the world. We have our moments when we fight and stop talking, but that lasts for like a day. But I wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world.[not even the yummy, hot UK boys with their english accents♥♥ or Ed Westick *melts*..]
I L0V3 Twilight and the entire series, but it;s popularity has blown up and tons of stupid people love it just for the movies and actors who portray the characters.. like Tay*gags*lor Lau*gags* ..you know who I mean. I honestly do not see anything that's so great about him that those other mindless girls do. Ugh. If you say you love Twilight, at least appreciate the story line and how beautifully Stephenie Meyer wrote the book(s). But ever since Twilight came out, there has been a HUGE Vampire craze. It has made me shy away from Twilight a bit, though I still love it nonetheless. Annnnd we can not forget The Vampire Diaries. I haven't read the books, but I do love the TV show.
My mother thinks that I have a mild case of OCD. I'm a huge perfectionist and strive for praise. Not an attention seeker, though. No. Those I hate. I like to be right.. heh. I'm an introvert and I hardly talk outside my group of friends. My hair is colored black, though I am a natural brunette. [Edward Cullen prefers brunettes btw♥] but I love my hair black. My favorite color to have painted on my nails is either black or silver. I always have to have my eyeliner and mascara. And I love my Breaking Benjamin shirt and Saosin shirt. I purchased them both from Hot Topic. Great store right there. If you haven't shopped there before.. you have a sad life.
This is all I can really think of right now, plus it's 3:29AM and I'm exhausted.
Until next time,
-LG
