It Becomes Less Merrier Each Year..

I could honestly care less whether or not I get gifts during Christmas. Christmas is not truly about giving and receiving gifts anyway. But this year, there is probably three gifts under the tree with my name scribbled across the top of it, and that's how many there will be tomorrow morning when we all wake up on christmas day


My best friend and I had a gift exchange last night; she had gotten me two smaller things I had really wanted. That is enough for me, plus knowing tomorrow I will have christmas at my grandmother's home where all the grandchildren will get numerous amounts of gifts. So it's not the gifts that bother me--it is my dad. My dad is a dead-beat who goes in and out of jail for not paying child support. He only comes around to visit us when it is convenient or benefits him. I can be a hateful person towards people. At times I feel bad afterward because I was just upset in the moment, but for him.. I honestly can say I hate him. I want nothing to do with him ever.


My mom will sit there and cry and cry and say she is sorry to me and my brother over and over because she can't afford to get us all these fancy things other kids get, or that she can't guarantee that the power will be on two months from now. She said she never regrets having us, but she regrets falling in love with my dad thinking that he would change and screwing us all over in the end. After he has done this to my family, he still wants to see me and talk to me and hang out with me. Not my brother as much(when we were younger, he said my brother wasn't even his kid. 1. My mother is not a slut who sleeps around. 2. He signed the birth certificate. 3. The paternity test proved that my brother was in fact his biological son. God, he is such a dick) That's the only reason I bring up the small amount of gifts--because my mother feels so guilty about it and believes she is a bad mother at times for things like these and it kills me to watch her cry over it. Especially because she couldn't get me anything for my 16th or 17th birthday.. she wanted to make it up to me this christmas but a rent situation came up and now she cannot spend any money on anything.
....
Each year gets harder. Each year gets a little bit worse. During christmas time, it becomes a little less merrier each year..
But I am appreciative that my family is safe, that at this time we have a house to live in, that though our car is falling apart it still gets my mother back and forth to work, that we are healthy, that we can actually be together this christmas unlike so many other families, that at least each of us has at least something to unwrap tomorrow morning. ...Merry Christmas to me.


I'm not exactly sure what this actual post was really focused on.. it might have been a mini venting session or just a way to release what I am feeling right now. I'm sot sure. But I hope all of you have a lovely and safe holiday.

Until Next Time,

Lonely Girl.